NICK TURNER FIGHT! - Comedy Blaze

*reprinted from DC Comedy 4 Now*



Today I had an interesting email exchange with an "executive" at the mega-huge comedy video site, Comedy Blaze. Enjoy.

From Comedy Blaze:
We are currently building an advisory board for ComedyBlaze looking to recruit a few celebrity comics, actors and entertainment executives. We will compensate them by issuing them with shares (ownership) in ComedyBlaze Inc. Please let me know if you might be interested.
We are also currently closing an investment round for CB with a financial investor. We would like ComedyBlaze to be partly owned and backed by members and industry players. So we are opening up the round to include investment from you or other entertainment folks you may know. I’m happy to pay you a finder’s fee in cash if you introduce us to someone who invests in CB…feel free to forward this message or just call me.
If you don’t have any cash to invest just upload your videos and we’ll pay you.
-Comedy Blaze Guy

Great, let me know when my shares are ready.
-Nick

Nick,
If you are interested please let me know and we can schedule a phone call.
If you have any videos, please upload them.

I was kidding. Since you called me a "celebrity, it sounded monumentally disingenuous.
-Nick

OK, do you have anything you can upload?

I'm afraid that your last email didn't exactly address all of my concerns. I was mostly talking about the lack of sincerity in your first offer. It seemed like you just rolled over it and pitched another effort to gain my sweet uploads. Obviously I think you're great and look forward to a long relationship. I just need confirmation that what I received wasn't entirely a form letter, but an honest commendation of my storied stand-up career. Thank you so much Andrew for the validation that we all crave. It means a great deal to me.
Your friend, Nicky T

There is one thing I am struggling to understand. If you or any artist has uploaded a video to youtube, MySpace or Facebook, why would you not upload it to ComedyBlaze?

I made the site because I thought it was a no brainer. Almost no one bothered to upload anything. So one might say the 50 50 split was of no interest to the artists.

I then offred the CB grand with a cash prize of $1k for the most viewed videos. That seemed to have almost no effect. Now I have increased the CB grand to pay $5k and am hoping that gets someone to not only upload to CB, but also email their contacts attempting to win the prize and get the fair 50 50 deal we give everyone.

I then offered to make the artists owners by allowing them to coinvest in my first financing round. You and others seem to prefer to keep your videos on MySpace where 100% of the revenue will go to newscorp now owned by old man Murdoch and youtube owned by google, the biggest giant of all internet titans.

What at all is cool about those guys so you want them to keep 100% of the money from value you create. I thought artists were either intelligent or had agents to look after their commercial affairs. I am now wondering if I am the retarded one here.

Why would you not upload your sweet vids if they are already on the public web making old billionairs richer?

Well, I'm no marketing guru Andrew, but you problem seems to be the fact that when you upload to Youtube, people may actually SEE the videos. From the desperation in your voice it sounds like there isn't much chance of that happening with Comedy Blaze. From this logic, why wouldn't I just put the videos up on my own site and reap all the financial rewards, of which there will be none, just like Comedy Blaze.
I am impressed with your insistence that I, (celebrity) Nick Turner, come around to your way of thinking. So impressed, in fact, that I will let you answer the question that I have asked you no less than three times already. Why did you refer to me as a celebrity in your initial email? What about me do you know that led you to the conclusion that I was needed in your project? I get that you just told everyone the same thing. I'm sure you have even sent that email out to non-performers. That, my friend, probably has something to do with the mass resistance to your own Newscorp-like empire. But hey, I love your work, and I've been a big fan of yours for a long time. I think what you have done for the world of comedy is certainly commendable.
-Nick

Fair enough.
If you are getting fewer than 200k views it is hard to monetize that. I will aggregate traffic and get to 30M and be one of the biggest entertainment destinations on the web. I am buying a company in LA that manages myspace pages for a large client roster of real celebs. Ironically they will pay me cash to make their CB pages and email directly to their fan lists. That will get me past the current catch 22.

Yeah, I really went slutty on my mass mailer you got, my celebrity friend!

Great, let me know when the Bob Saget videos are up.
-Nick

What's up with singer/songwriter Nick Turner ridin' my ass?

So there he is out in front. Nick Turner: Singer/Songwriter." What a sensitive soul. Clearly he has made it. What part of recording in a barn DOESN'T say, "Watch out world, here I come?" Not only is he quite obviously recording in a barn but it looks like his producer is mixing with one hand and holding a baby goat(?) in is other hand. So what that says to me is that not only is that guy a producing genious, but he probably also owns a barn, making him wholly qualified to produce an album of classics from the one of many, Nick Turner: Singer/Songwriter.

Now, obviously this recording session produced musical gold and the only thing left to do is promote, promote, promote. And promote he has. Unfortunately his promotional tactics seem to include not much more than posting a series of ads on my myspace page. Here are some of the comments he has posted on my page:

#1

Aug 21, 2006 1:04 PM

Hi Nick Turner,


This is Nick Turner from the UK


Check out my song Space Dude


Cheers,


Nick Turner


Mansfield UK
--------------------------------------------



That's cool. Right on, I'll check that shit out. Sounds great. Not sure why that message needed so many spaces, though. Also not sure if the song is called "Space Dude" or if you are referring to me as "Space Dude" but either is cool with me. You are a cool dude, Mr. Nick Turner.

The World's Most Famous Nick Turner

--------------------------------------------
#2

Aug 24, 2006 1:20 PM

Hi Nick,

From Nick Turner

in the UK.
--------------------------------------------



Um...Hello. Kinda seems like we already did this but, whatever buddy! Good to talk to you.

The World's Most Famous Nick Turner

--------------------------------------------
#3

Sep 20, 2006 10:29 AM

Hi Nick Turner

form(sic) Nick Turner

in the UK!
--------------------------------------------



Ok, we definitely already did this, but hello. Also, last time you spelled "from" correctly. This time - not so much. Whatever! I ain't no stickler for grammar. Just to be sure so we don't have to keep doing this: I'm Nick Turner. You are Nick Turner. You live in the UK. Established. Let's put this thing to bed. Also, I already know about your song Space Dude, so that doesn't need to be brought up again either. Cool.

The World's Most Famous Nick Turner

--------------------------------------------
#4

Sep 20, 2006 10:29 AM


Hi Nick Turner from Nick Turner


Mansfield


Nottinghamshire UK


I have a song about the Ibiza night clubs in spain called Space Dude


It is quike a novelty, check it out.


cheers
Nick Turner
---------------------------------------------



What did I just say!? Good Lord, you don't listen. I already know about your goddamn song! What is wrong with you. You want me to like you? Fine! I like you! I'll go out with you! I will give you a footrub while we listen to "Space Dude" in the background! Man you are needy! And what is up with all of those spaces? Come on, this comment was unneccessarily long. What are you doing to me? Are you alright ? Geez! Also, is "quike" some English word or something?

The World's most famous Nick Turner

----------------------------------------------

So that's the story of Nick Turner UK. You really should check out his music though because he has great songs with titles like, "I Like Mansfield." What a genious. He's from Mansfield, he is fond of where he comes from, and the man does not mince words. What better way to get your point across? Good luck, Space Dude!

NICK TURNER FIGHT! - the skateboarder

This Nick Turner Fight! consists of some videos I found while looking up "Nick Turner" on YouTube. There are many worthless videos on this site, and if you've been reading my blog, you'll know that people named Nick Turner are probably producing some of the most worthless videos. My first example is a Nick Turner who skateboards. I hesitate to call him a "skateboarder," because that implies that he is half way decent. He is not. Here are a few of his videos which are like 3 seconds long, so you won't have to be bored for long. Enjoy



HOLY SHIT! That guy totally fell off the curb while on a skateboard! That was da BOMB! YO dude, you have GOT to rewind that and play that shit again!



Move over TONY HAWK! This guy's falling off curbs ALL OVER THE PLACE! This is getting nuts! And this time he put an orange cone in the shot so it gets even more CRAZY nuts! WAAAAH! Extreme!



Holy Christ! THIS IS BAT-SHIT INSANE!!! That's the BIGGEST RAMP I've ever SEEN!! How did he go up that ramp and come back ALIVE! NIck Turner's are the craziest motherfuckers on the PLANET!!!!!

NICK TURNER FIGHT! - comedy hypnotist

I know it's been a while since I rapped at ya, but I just wasn't feelin' inspired. This latest NICK TURNER FIGHT! isn't with a Nick Turner, But one Joshua Seth - Comedy Hypnotist. That's right, comedy hypnosis: the purest form of comedy. This FIGHT! took place over MySpace email. There are a few ways to promote whatever show you may be doing on MySpace, but one that you generally don't use, is in the messages function because it's personal and invasive. But this Comedy Hypnotist douchebag has no respect for my personal space so I asked him nicely to stop. But once a douche, always a douche. Enjoy



JOSHUA SETH EMAIL #1

Final Notice: Comedy Hypnosis Show this Sunday Aug 13th

This is your last chance to get 2-for-1 tickets to
"The Joshua Seth Comedy Hypnosis Show"
at The Center Stage Theater in Santa Barbara.

It's this Sunday, August 13th at 7:30pm

Details are here: www.centerstagetheater.org

You can still get 2-for-1 tickets by calling the theater's box office at (805) 963-0408 and asking for the MySpace discount.

See you at the show!

Joshua Seth
www.joshuaseth.com

PS - If you're not near Santa Barbara then sorry for the intrusion. This email is going out to everyone on my friend list.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

NICK TURNER EMAIL #1

RE: Final Notice: Comedy Hypnosis Show this Sunday Aug 13th
Body: please don't tell me about your show in my messages

------------------------------------------------------------------------

JOSHUA SETH EMAIL #2

RE: RE: Final Notice: Comedy Hypnosis Show this Sunday Aug 13th
Like I said in the mail you're referring to:

"PS - If you're not near Santa Barbara then sorry for the intrusion. This email is going out to everyone on my friend list."

My Space has no way to target friends in a radius around a specific zip code... yet. When you start to promote your own comedy shows you'll see that you either have to promote to your entire list or to none of them.

All my best,
Joshua


------------------------------------------------------------------------


NICK TURNER EMAIL #2

Ever since I "started" promoting the shows that I am "currently" "doing," I've found no problem in promoting my shows using bulletins and event invitations. Messages are a little more personal and I don't enjoy getting spam like your invitation. Thanks for apologizing by merely copying the P.S. in your letter. Classy. Apologizing doesn't make it okay, dude, promising not to do it again is definitely the way to go.

All MY best,
Nicholas

PS - Something to put in quotations in my next letter to you.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

JOSHUA SETH EMAIL #3

No worries. You've been blocked so you won't get any more emails from me.

Don't let the small stuff get you down,

Joshua

------------------------------------------------------------------------

NICK TURNER EMAIL #3

Like I said in the email you're referring to: "Something to put in quotations in my next email to you."

Thank you for your helpful advice to "not let the small stuff get (me) down." I have a couple of helpful tips for you as well. "When bad things happen to good people" I'd recommend some "chicken soup for the soul." Also, "who moved my cheese" has also got me wondering "what color is your parachute?" I wanna take a dump on your face you self-righteous prick. Have fun sexually assaulting the victims of your hypnosis, ass!

Nick

NICK TURNER FIGHT! - the german painter

OK. This isn't technically a fight, but good lord. This douche is douching up the name Nick Turner all the way to Germany. I found This embarassing work of "art". Now I don't usually use the term "gay" with a negative connotation, but I mean, seriously. Come on Nick Turners! We need to devote our time to more fruitful pursuits. Screw you German Painter!

Also I feel it is worthwhile news to mention that I have dominated the world. That's right. This blog is number one baby!!! Google Nick Turner and you'll see that I am now the World's #1 Nick Turner!

I'm back from tour (but still not back)

I realize it's been a while since I posted an actual Nick Turner Fight! But I've been on tour with the play "I'm Gonna Kill the President and that was way more work then I thought it was going to be.

Some Highlights from the tour:

We-

-Incited a riot in Kalamazoo, Michigan

-Sent a man we believed to be an undercover law enforcement officer home on a Greyhound Bus

-Played for 200 people in an 80 seat space

-Played for 11 people in Madison, Wisconsin

-Hated each other

-Loved each other (just kidding)

-traveled 7000 miles

-absolutely destroyed a brand new rental van

-popped a tire in Lovelock, Nevada (the creepiest town in america; named for the town prison; has white, teenage, girl gang members complete with doo rags)

-performed in a co-op house inhabited by thirty people with names like Zylon, Spike, and Echo

-did not sleep in co-op house due to thinking cat piss-stained couches and mattresses are fucking gross

-did not drink nearly enough

-canceled one show when no one showed up. I don't mean no one, like five people; I mean no one like no one. Thanks, Mendicino!

-were annoyed often


Here's to touring with people you don't already know!!
If anyone you know lives in LA and doesn't hate themselves, tell them to come see this show. It opens here on April 28th and closes June 3rd. Also, I'm hilarious. Bye.

I'm the #1 Nick Turner In America!

Well, if you've been following this blog from the beginning, you know that I'm obsessed with my google rankings. I haven't reported on it in a while, because I was waiting for something big to happen. It happened. I am now the #1 Nick turner in America. And I'm only two Nick Turners away from being the #1 Nick Turner in the world. Fuck You Singer-Songwriter Nick Turner. You're Next.
Earlier I started a Nick Turner fight with the *cough* "#1 Nick Turner in the World." You can read that email here. He never wrote me back. He was a pussy. Sitting in his ivory tower, thinking no one could ever threaten his crown. This is the ultimate Nick Turner Fight. The fight for world domination. Some Tech Geek cannot hold my crown for long. Go USA!

How the hell am I supposed to NICK TURNER FIGHT! this guy?

Ok... this one is stumping me. I've found possibly the greatest Nick Turner that has ever lived. Greater than even me. That's right ladies and gentleman I've found a Black Country Singer named Nick Turner. I'm beside myself. If you have any suggestions, please let me know.

NICK TURNER FIGHT! - the painter

The next NICK TURNER FIGHT! is a work in progress. I have a feeling this Nick Turner is going to write me back an unprecedented SECOND time. Be sure to check out Nick Turner's gallery and enjoy (hopefully) the beginning of this fight.


Hey, Nick, My name is Nick Turner and I am also an artist. I don't draw, however. I deal with the people directly as a stand up comedian. Anyway, I came across your artwork and wondered what the prices might be, because I am interested in purchasing some. So email me back and let me know. peacenick

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi Nick,

Sorry for the lateness of my reply. The work ranges in price from £150 to £300 ($261 to $522 approx).

Nice to hear from another Nick Turner anyway, I wonder how rare we are in the World!? A comedian over here called Dave Gorman did a whole TV series on tracking down all the other Dave Gormans in the World. Maybe a series about the various Nick Turners?

Nick

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks for the quick reply. Hello, other Nick Turner! I too, am an
artist. And one of my arts is collecting works of art from other Nick
Turners and displaying them together as part of a larger Nick Turner
collection of sorts. I'm not an artist in the traditional sense
(meaning that I do not actually produce art.) My stand up comedy is
an art I guess, but not one that people respect!

If all of this seems confusing, it is because you are not paying
enough attention! That is a joke. What I am not joking about is my
desire to purchase your art. Not only is your name Nick Turner, but
you are also a very very very very talented artist. Money is not an
object for me so I think this partnership will be a lucrative one for
the both of us.

I am interested mostly in the painting titled "Big Brother's
Watching." It reminds me of that book, "1984." You know the one that
looks into the future but was actually written in 1948?

I also love the painting with the witches. (reminds me of my mother!
I'm just kidding again)

Also, I take offense at your implication that my art has somehow been
"done" by Dave Gorman. I am a true artist and my originality has
never been questioned before. I ask you please, do not question my
originality, and I will not tell anyone that you are ripping off that
book.

With that messiness out of the way, I would like to purchase the two paintings
I mentioned. Please write me back with the total price. You are a
great painter!
-Nick Turner (the original)


Please stay tuned to the exciting conclusion of...NICK TURNER FIGHTS! - the painter

NICK TURNER FIGHT! - the tech geek

So, this next Nick Turner is a Tech Geek. Seeing as though being nice backfired, I decdided to go in a different direction. I thought for this Nick Turner Fight, I would go a little meaner, to elicit some actual anger from him. Turns out it was to no avail. I was ignored. Although, according to my stat counter I am very popular in his neighborhood in Canada.

The Email:

Hey Nick Turner, I'm you. Well, ok, i'm not actually you. But i do
have the same name as you. i guess what I'm trying to say is, "Hi."
As you can tell, I am a comedian and I live in New York City, New
York. That's in America, I'm not sure if you knew that because I read
that you're from Canada and I have no idea of your school curriculum.
But I bet you do know where New York is, because this city is where
the magic happens.
Anyway, like I said I am a comedian so, obviously as a performer, I
have a website. Unfortunately I had to choose www.gonickturner.com as
my url because nickturner.com was already taken. Guess who has that
url...that's right, you do. Since i am also a Nick Turner, I know how
compassionate we can be.
Listen, let me just break it down for you, I have done shows with such
famous comedians as Lewis Black , Todd Barry, and Jim Gaffigan. I
know what you are thinking, you are thinking, "Wow, these are some
heavy hitters in the world of stand-up comedy. You must really be
making your deams come true."
Well, that's right, my dreams are coming true. All of my dreams but
one. I want that url. I am in a position that requires complete
professionalism, and I belive a part of that is owning
www.nickturner.com.
Let's be honest. You are a self proclaimed "Canadian
computer-marketing-training guy, techno-hobbiest and jock with way too
many distractions." If one of those distractions is feeling guilty
about taking the url that should probably go to someone with an
interesting life, well, let me please alleviate this distraction. I
can't wait to hear from you. Nick Turner(the one with a career that
people find interesting)

Can you believe he didn't want to write me back? What a jackass. Well that just proves what you already thought about Canadians. Or something.

NICK TURNER FIGHT! - the photographer

If you have not yet read about the new direction of my blog, please scroll down and read yesterday's entry.



My first NICK TURNER FIGHT! was directed at a London based photographer by the name of Nick Turner. His site is currently under construction, so I have no samples of his work, but I'm sure he's often. That's why I decided he must take my headshots for free.

Picking fights with random people is a delicate art, I am discovering. Some don't write back and others, like the photographer, go in the completely opposite direction of where you want them to. Perhaps my initial letter started out too jovial. I intended to act like a complete jackass. However, I got back an email I simply can't fight with.

--- Nick Turner wrote:

Hey Nick Turner, I'm also Nick Turner. Isn't that hilarious? Speaking of hilarious, I'm a stand-up comedian in New York City. I'm getting pretty big and it's time to take things to the next level. What's the next level, you ask? NICK TURNER PHOTOGRAPHY! That's what.

I want you to take my headshots. I'm not the best looking person in the world, but I am the second. That's just a joke, you know us Nick Turners and our humongous egos. I'm sure being a photographer has given you quite the ego. But we deserve 'em right?

Anyway, I'm sure this will be a great partnership and this is going to be a lot of fun. The only problem is that you live in London, and I live in New York. Fabulous cities for fabulous people, you know. Another problem is that I don't have a lot of money. Larry the Cable Guy has all the money in this business and there isn't a whole lot left over for me. I'm not telling you to make a special trip to New York just to take my headshots, but if your coming my way, I'd like for you to schedule an extra day or two to maybe take my headshots. We could do it in Central Park or maybe even the Empire State Building. Oh, how grand!

So please, please write me back as soon as you can. I can't wait to get started

Gimmee them shots, Nick Turner
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That was my letter. I definitely did not anger him. At all. It might has well been a Valentine's Day card. Here is the photographer's response:


Its an honour to be asked by a fellow Nick Turner to
take his picture...I'd love to comrade but i am in the
wrong country! thats a stumbling block I think...

But if i ever come your way I'll do it for sure...like
you say us Nick Turners should stick together....I
reckon there are enough NT's on the planet to populate
a small village or maybe even form our own free state!
whatyathink?

yours
a
brother
NT
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How can I continue a fight with this guy. I'm pretty sure he just said yes to my request...and he called me his BROTHER! I'll have to start out a little meaner next time. Until then, fight on.

NICK TURNER FIGHTS!

This blog is about to get a whole lot spicier, people. Due to the enormous number of bloggers in this community, there is an increasing need to focus the direction of one's blog. While this has, up until now, been just a bunch of random musings from yours truly, it is time to get down to business.

Therefore, from here on out, this blog will become increasingly dedicated to NICK TURNER FIGHTS! What are NICK TURNER FIGHTS, you ask? Well why don't I answer that question right now.

The name really says it all. I, Nick Turner will be getting into email fights with other people named Nick Turner. When you google the name Nick Turner, more than 12 million websites come up. That means that there are way more Nick Turners out there than I will probably ever get to fight with.

I have already started a fight with Nick Turner who owns www.nickturner.com. I clearly am much more deservilng of this URL as I am a famous comedian. I will not rest until it is mine. I also started a fight with the Nick Turner at Nick Turner Photography explaining to him why he needs to take my headshots for free. This is going to be a slower fight.

Look forward to more fights with:

Nick Turner the Running Back
Nick Turner the Equestrian
Nick Turner the Fractal Designer
Nick Turner the Knife Maker
Nick Turner the Chemistry Professor
Nick Turner the Aging Singer/Songwriter
and so much more!

So I'll see you soon with my first of many NICK TURNER FIGHTS!

Nick Turner loses a glove - and he'll never be the same

Today is a dark day, my friends. I lost a glove. It was the right one. I have no idea what has become of my little glovey. He's all alone in the world. He's probably lying in the street while car after car runs over him. There will be no family picking him up and giving him a nice home. His best days are surely behind him.

If I had lost both gloves there wouldn't be nearly as much of a problem. Those gloves are gone forever and I never have to think about them ever again. Sayanara, suckers! I'm gonna go buy some new gloves and never think about you ever again!

But, alas, I only lost one glove, which means the other glove is sitting here, in the corner, mocking me. But I can't get rid of it, because what if I found the other one. I'd have to go through this agony all over again and I just can't do that.

It's like if you're a horrible parent and your child runs away, you can't move, because what if he comes back and you're not there. Even if it's forty years later and that kid has most likely died of a heroin overdose. Because, be honest, we've all seen the stats, people. If isn't the aids that kills the runaways, it's the heroin.

Things I know

1. When I am wearing headphones I am so much cooler than you. Also, I should have spent the extra money on a real Ipod and not this Ipod shuffle. Shuffle this, Apple!

2. Dried Fuit tastes worse than fruit that hasn't been dried. There is no need for this extra step, just give me the fruit.

3. Phone fights are the best because people can't punch you through the phone. Also, when you hang up on the other person you automatically win.

4. No, you can't sit there, my bag is sitting there.

5. Exclamation points are intrusive. I don't like to be yelled at by inanimate objects. Why are you yelling at me, piece of paper?!

Nick Turner related activity on the internet

Hey guys, if you're not getting enough of your Nick Turner fix on this site, I may be able to help you out.


-Check out the lowest tech website ever for a human being HERE

-Read my interview on my friend Dan McInerney's website HERE

-Check out the new "Poker Night" blog HERE
and read a recap of our last show that Dustin wrote. (sorry no pictures yet)

-Be a friend of "Poker Night" HERE

And don't forget to send in those questions.

Is this enough of a recap of Poker Night on Tuesday?

Nick Turner answers Ryan Sturt

On January 3rd, Ryan Sturt wrote:

Dear Mr. T,

I have two questions.

1. Why does gasoline have that iridescent sheen when it spills over water?

2. Why does my hair stick up in the back?

Thanks!


On January 18th, Ryan Sturt wrote:

working out. blah blah blah. poker night blah blah.

answer my fucking questions. Ryan

Well, If you know anything about me, you know that I respond quickly to threats. Let me first say that, yes, an oil spill does produce a beauty that is simply unparalleled. How it happens?
well, the oil spills, then everything it spills on becomes instantly more beautiful.

Why it happens? God likes his greatest creation to keep up with modern standards of beauty. Oil is like makeup for oceans. It would take Proctor and Gamble years to put as much makeup on animals as an oil spill can do in just one day. Way to go God!

As for your second question, your hair sticks up in the back because it is trying to run away from your beard.

Just leave your questions in the comment box and I'll answer them when I feel like it. peacenick

Aren't you done working out yet?

I see all these people going to the gym that are clearly already in shape. Aren't they done yet? Look, your abs are rip-riffic. You did it...now it's just getting ridiculous.
I tell you what, as soon as I'm in shape I'm going to wipe my hands clean and in the nerdiest voice I can muster announce, "Mission Health: Accomplished." Then I'm gonna walk off into the sunset with my head held high.(but really I'm gonna go around the corner and stop walking so pompously because you can only walk like a prick for so long)

I mean, how old does this guy have to get before he figures out that he's muscular. HEY DUDE! You might want to take that vacation now cause you're gonna die soon on account that you're so old and everything. Put the weights down and pick up your grandson. His name's Tyrone and he's 38. You've missed his entire life. Stop working out already!

Also, I'll have a recap of Poker Night last night as soon as I can cop some pictures from Topping. peacenick

Poker Night is Back!

Poker Night has returned for another installment at Ace of Clubs!

Please join Dustin, Shayna and I at Ace of Clubs tomorrow for another hand of Poker Night. Tomorrow we are proud to welcome:

Kristen Schaal!
Dave Hill!
and God's Pottery!

Check out the details on that guy!

Tuesday, January 17th
@Ace of Clubs (9 Great Jones St. btwn Broadway and Lafayette)
8:00
$5

Wow, that guy sure did have a sweet pair of details!

Nick Turner answers Jonah Oppenheimer

On January 1st, Jonah Oppenheimer wrote:

I would like to know what you think of Kellee Santiago. I hear she likes spicy blogs. And, please, your opinion of modern art.



Great question Jonah, why don't I answer that one right now. Kellee Santiago rules! She is one fantastic lady and someone who I would love to have with me in the foxhole(if you know what I mean. And if you do, please tell me, because I have no idea what I mean.)

And as for my opinion of modern art, why don't I answer that one right now. Modern art seems to be moving in a positive direction. With such newcomers as people who are new to the art scene, things have really been shaking up lately. Certain new styles have really caught my eye and I look forward to even more modern modern art in the future.

Thanks for your question and remember folks, just drop me a question in the comment box and I'll get back at ya. Nick

Nick Turner addresses Kellee's disapproval of one statement

On January 3rd, Kellee Santiago wrote:

Excellent! Told by a true TV-lover. Although, I think the pretty-not-funny generalization is a ridiculous stereotype. Weeds IS awesome, how come they took it off On-Demand? It better mean that it's coming out on DVD soon...

You are right, I am never one to perpetuate such a shallow and unfounded stereotype. I don't think any women are funny, no matter how ugly they are. Thanks, Kel!

NicK Turner answers Kellee Santiago

On December 31st, Kellee Santiago wrote:

For my birthday, I would like to see some photos and/or video of the next Poker Night! Let's spice this blog UP. I would also be interested to know what you think is the best show on television right now.

First of all, thanks for mentioning Poker Night, which as you all know, returns on January 17th. What, what! Soon this blog will be spicier than that foriegn exchange student from a South American country. Hachacha!

But Back to the question at hand. What is the best television show on right now. Now, this is an odd time to be coming out with my favorite show, because we are so far into the season, there are no HBO/Showtime series playing right now, and we are about to be inundated with the dreaded mid-season replacements-of which I obviously have not seen any yet.

Of course there are exceptions as some mid-season shows are old shows that haven't been performing that well(Scrubs), and others are held back so they can be played straight through the rest of the season without repeats(24).

Some shows that I really love just aren't that interesting to talk about right now like The Office(all you British version lovin' snobs are finally getting off your collective high horse and tuning in) and Weeds(I mean, it's been over forever and isn't coming back any time soon). With that said I will talk about my favorite show that is about to air it's long awaited season premiere. Drumroll please...

Scrubs!

Now for a long time Scrubs was seen as the lesser of the two sitcoms (at that time) shot without a laugh track by a single camera.(most shows are shot using a three camera set up while Scrubs is shot by a single camera that makes it possible to follow characters as they move through different sets-this extra information is for my mother who still won't have any idea what I'm talking about) The other and more critic approved being Arrested Development.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love Arrested Development as much as the next guy, but during the hoopla surrounding its cancellation I realized something. I wasn't as excited as should be to see new episodes. The problem isn't that the show is "too smart" but that I didn't care about what happened to the characters. They are too cartoony and so are the situations they find themselves in. Rarely does something believable happen on that show.

Scrubs on the other hand presents a wonderfully brilliant and wacky show that never loses its believability because most of it's insanity happens in the confines of fantasy sequences. Zach Braff is a comedic genious, the second Becky is funny AND hot - two things that basically never come together - and it has the most wonderful cast and writers that I just want hug and squeeze til I pop the life right out of them. (I am not a reviewer, you may have noticed)

So anyway, leave your questions in the comment box and maybe you too can get your question answered by the one and only Nick Turner.

Be a part of the Nick Turner experience

Nick Turner is now taking suggestions. If you have a question for Nick Turner or simply a topic you think I should talk about. You know, for example, you wanna hear me talk about pants. You leave me a comment saying something like, "Hey what are your opinions on pants?" or just, "pants...huh?"
Then I'll write an entry that says something like, "Man I love pants...pants are good because...pants pants pants," and so on,
Do you see how fun this is gonna be? Let's do this America!

Poker Night Two!

Poker Night is returning on the 17th of January! Look out for more details. Look out!

Nick Turner Moves to Astoria!...again

Nick Turner will soon be living in a brand new apartment!(well, I don't know if it's brand new - the stains on the carpet tell a much different story)
For a change of pace, this new apartment is located in Astoria. Just like my current apartment. And my last apartment. And my first apartment in NYC was also in Astoria. I guess what I'm saying is that I was lying to you at the top of the paragraph when I said it was going to be a change of pace. If you want to read some blog that's not gonna lie to you, well...you're reading the wrong blog.
Anyway, the rest of this is the truth. One of the two dudes in the apartment actually went to high school with some friends of mine that had me in their wedding party last year. How f'n crazy is that? Give up? Well I'll tell you. VERY f'n crazy! Shout out to Jason and Lisa! MUL-NEE! What up, Fairfax, Virginia! Sorry about that to everyone who isn't them.
This concludes a long search for an apartment that had me at the end of my rope. This isn't that unusual, however, as my rope is shockingly short. But I get that from my Dad. Thanks for the short fuse, dad! Or rope, I mean.
Fuse-Rope, Oprah-Uma, Let's call the whole the off!
I'm back. This particular apartment search was the worst one yet. And as this will be my eighth apartment in NYC, I've had a lot of tough searches. This search saw an unprecedented number of people turn me down after meeting me. This included two lesbians, on gay guy, one musician, one chef, some other guy(I can't remember anything about him), one unemployed chick, and one self-proclaimed tomboy(read: third lesbian).
But I finally found one with two (seemingly) chill guys and I couldn't be more relieved. Ditmars Avenue, bitches. Ditmars Avenue.

Google Sucks

Now I'm like 35th. Shut up.

Ask Nick Turner: Fashion

Alot of people look to me to answer their fashion questions. Being someone that people look up to fashion-sense wise has always been very inportant to me. When it comes to fashion, I am somewhat of a trendsetter. But I also follow fashion trends closely so I can follow the good ones. "Which trends are follow worthy?" is a question people sometimes ask me, due to my high fashion sensibilities. I answer those people's questions with responses that are to their liking.

Questions I have been hearing lately have had a lot to do with winter clothing and, more importantly, whether or not the knit cap is worth it. My response to this query is simple. No matter how cold it is outside it is never cold enough to justify messing up your do. Thanks everyone!

To those of you who say that this has been the most rediculous post ever, I say to you this:

"You may be correct!" -GOD

Wow, I am a wierdo. Please don't let this post deter you from visiting this site in the future. As you can tell by my constant google updates, I am desperate for friends. SO DESPERATE!

Google Ranking: 13!

I wanna thank everyone in the world for their support during this rocket ship ride to the top. I'm 13th, bitches! 13!

Poker Night Came (but not in that way)

So our first hand of Poker Night happened on Tuesday and it was, as far as I could tell, a success. My account may be a bit blurred, however, as I was knockin' on death's door with a hell of a flu virus that came that morning. Perfect timing, God! Don't worry, God doesn't mind. He gets blamed for everything.

Thank you everyone that came out and of course to the three fabulous performers. Christian, John and Jack Kukoda(not Kristen Schaal, for she was out filming a movie. Well, woo-tee-too-tee-doo. Look who's filming a big movie. Too good to perform at our humble little show. I should say though that I would have ditched the show for a gift certificate to Applebee's. I have no loyalty.) But for reals, Jack's a fuckin' superstar and we were very grateful he could fill in.

I wish I had pictures but I was just lucky to be able to keep my composure during the show. But the show must go on, right? Wrong. The show didn't need to go on. It's just a show. I mean what the fuck kinda logic is that. The world won't end if someone doesn't show up to a show. Especially one with two other hosts. No one would have missed me for a second. I should have stayed in bed, but I'm a spotlight craving whore and I would never miss this opportunity. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm horrible at recapping a show.

Since I don't have any pictures of the show here's this:

Poker Night is Coming!

Nick Turner, Dustin D'Addato and Shayna Ferm present:

POKER NIGHT!
Tuesday, December 6th

Featuring:
Christian Finnegan("Best Week Ever", "Comedy Central Presents", "Chappelle's Show")
Kristen Schaal ("Hot Tub", New York Magazine's "10 Funniest New Yorker's You've Never Heard Of")
John Mulaney ("Thursday" at Rififi, "I Love the 30's")

Our new soon to be weekly stand-up/variety show is kicking off in a big way. In addition to Katherine Bryant on the turntables, we'll have some stand up, some songs, maybe some giveaways, maybe a moose, some laughs and some beers. And it's free, bitches. Come check it out @:

Ace of Clubs

(Under Acme Underground)
9 Great Jones St. (3rd btwn Broadway and Lafayette)
8:00 pm
FREE
Tuesday, December 6th

*There probably won't be a moose

Google Ranking Update: 29!

Hey, literally everyone in the world. I apologize for being just another statistic in this whole googling phenomenon, but it really is consuming my whole life. I am awful. Before I started this blog, well, I didn't even have a computer. Coupled with the fact that I have one of the top ten most generic names in history, googling Nick Turner was nothing more than a pipe dream. Out of the six million websites that come up, the highest I had ever seen myself was at number 86 (this means that the first 85 websites to come up were about other Nick Turners) for a review of a childen's play I did in a garden on the upper west side. Then two weeks ago I discovered this blog was 67. Last week; 52. Now; 29. Why do I care. BECAUSE I'M VAIN! I'm a selfish, applause craving whore of a comedian. This is the life I chose and now I'm living it to it's fullest charged with low self-esteem and chart busting arrogance. 29!

Nick Turner Takes the Train!

Everybody in the world, listen up. On a recent trip home (not really home but a city that I have spent a great deal of time in and where my parents and my brother now reside) I, Nick Turner travelled with the classies...ON A TRAIN! Yeah that's right, ole' Greyhound Turner has moved up a notch on the belthole of life (belthole? yeah, why not. Belthole!).

Nick Turner in an internet commercial!

Psst...everybody. Are you aware that I'm completely blowin' up? Well I am. I am! Well, then how do you explain me being in an awesome commercial airing exclusively on a Dog Show website? Don't believe me? Check out

Dog Show USA

I'm in Webisode four.

Google Ranking: 67!

Nick Turner is a comedian based in New York City. This blog is the 67th most popular website when googling Nick Turner! I know, I AM awesome.

Nick Turner goes to Brooklyn twice in one day!

He did it everybody! He did it! He broke the record for number of times any Queens resident has successfully made the most treacherous round-trip this side of the Hudson River.
"Even I never thought it could be done. But I done it," said Nick, a resident of Astoria, Queens, upon returning home early Sunday morning, back from his second trip into the Heart of Darkness - a party in Brooklyn's Boerum Hill.
Nick had visited the borough earlier in the day to shoot a tiny part in a Channel 102 hopeful. "When I say tiny, I mean that I get sugar thrown in my face and I fall down. That is literally my entire part. I came to Brooklyn for this? Actually, I am glad to have any part, however small. Boy, I sure am ungrateful," Nick was said to have muttered under his breath.
Nick would have stayed longer at the party Saturday night but had to leave early, due to the fact that he had to be at work early on Monday morning and wanted to give himself at least 30 hours to make the full trip.
Nick concluded the press conference by stating, "I'm not saying it wasn't worth it, but you know how sometines you have drink tomato juice every once in a while just to remind yourself that it tastes horrible? Well, that's why I go to Brooklyn. Because of it's horrible taste."

Nick Turner refuses to blog more often!

Hello, everybody in the world. Today Nick's got some beef that he needs to address. What's up with all these people who feel the need to blog every day? Nobody's is so interesting or insightful that they need to blog every day. I mean, I am arguably the most interesting person that ever lived, but I don't even have that much interesting crap to talk about. It's not uncommon for me to go an entire weekend without even moving. Trust me, I am not making this up. What are all of these people doing! I've walked around the city and I don't see that many people doing anything that interesting. All I see are people moving arbitrarily around the city with no destination. They are simply giving the appearance of some busy life they lead where people are counting on them and they cant be late!

I DON'T BUY IT! I'll call your bullshit, every other blogger in the world. I'll be your Huckleberry. What are you doing that's so important?

Anyway, what I'm saying is that I refuse to compromise the high quality of this blog. If my art drives me to create on canvases that are not a computer, then so be it. Computers are so impersonal. If you want to know what I'm up to just give me a call. And no I will not give you my phone number because you're creepy. For you...you just read my blog. But for everyone else...call me. I'm a human being!

oh, and also, November 2nd was a Wednesday.

Hello, Tuesday November 2nd!

Hey.

Nick Turner misses everybody in the world

Hey, everybody in the world. I miss you. I miss your hair. And umm.... I miss your eyes. I also...I also miss the fact that you are everybody in the whole world. I miss that. I miss you. Call me. But call me soon, don't gimme any of that I'll call you in six days Swingers style waiting to call. That movie was like eleven years ago. Get over it. Jon Favreau totally got fat again. I mean, I guess he's like a director now. So, he really has no real reason to keep off the weight. But seriously, everybody in the world...call me. I mean it. I really would like to hear from you. I do miss you. Oh no way, you're totally cuter than I'll ever be. But thanks for sayin' that. Anyway, I guess I'll be home in about ten minutes. Do you want me to pick up some chicken? I'm driving right past Popeye's on my way. It is too on my way. I've been taking this same route for the last four years, that's how I know! I didn't mean to raise my voice. Oh no you will not take my son away from me. Over my dead body! Corection. Over your dead body! I guess what I'm tryin' to say here is...call me. Wink.

Nick Turner misses his Mom's Birthday

This is how I feel about it. It was on the 27th. As you can see, on the 27th I was too busy making fun of retarded people. According to the Koran, it is my punishment to eventually become a retarded mother. Anyway, happy birthday Mom and I think next year will be the year I finally get it right.

Nick Turner's Halloween Costume Ideas!

Hello everybody in the world, it's that time again. The time of year that you begrudgingly follow the status quo and shell out your hard earned dollas on a costume that probably won't even be fun for one night. But you don't need to spend a lot of money to have a mediocre time on Halloween. You can have an okay time at a somewhat tedious Halloween party for no more than the cost of a breakfast sandwich. (disclaimer: depending on where you purchase your breakfast sandwich, cost may vary) So here now, a list of some of Nick Turner's previous costume ideas that you can feel free to steal and use as your own.

Some of Nick Turner's previous costumes:

-: 2001: Michael Jordan. Purchases: A black bald cap(about $4)
This look was achieved by wearing black bald cap and stopping there. I wore my own clothes, carried no basketball, but stuck my tounge out occasionally. How did people know who I was? I told them. Simple as that. Any incomplete costume is made complete by simply filling in the blanks verbally.

-: 2002: Man with a Job. Purchases: None
If you know anything aboout me, you know I am one tough cookie to employ. Jobs have never really been my cup of tea. Therefore I simply slapped on a suit and at strategic moments whipped out my cell phone and began yelling words like, "Buy" and "Sell," just like someone with a job would do. Any incomplete costume is made complete by simply filling in the blanks verbally.

-: 2004: Retarded Talk Show Host. Purchases: None (See Above Photo)
Sometimes there is just no time to think about a costume idea so you end up rummaging through Ryan Sturt's closet 20 minutes before you leave for the party but an hour and a half after you started drinking. What I found were two items: A wrestling helmet and a broken microphone. When you put these two together you invariably get Retarded Talk Show Host. This requires conducting interviews all night long but with a twist. When asking questions, hold microphone to interviewees face. When listening to answers hold microphone to your own face. Trust me, it is an entire night's worth of hilarity. Any incomplete costume is made complete by simply filling in the blanks verbally.

Nick Turner is Addicted to Approval

Hey everybody in the world, I was recently made aware of a new and lethal addiction plaguing our shores. That new plague is approval addiction. It's all there in black and white in the new book, "Approval Addiction: Overcoming your need to please everyone" by Joyce Meyer. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Oh my God! I wonder if Nick Turner is an approval addict?!"
I just quit smoking so I'm wide open for a new addiction to get a hold of me. I need to be precautious and learn more about this deadly disease. Well, luckily, the Advertisement for the book on the subway had the symptoms for all to see. A single question:

Do you worry about what other people think of you?

Oh my God! I do worry! Why, just this morning I took a shower....brushed my teeth...and combed my hair...just so other people wouldn't find me repulsive! I almost ran off to buy the book until I realized that the book was published by Warner Faith and those people are just crazy. Because God's not real. And those people probably think he is real. And that's crazy. 'Cause he ain't real.

Buy "Approval Addiction" at Wal-Mart.com

Nick's Picks October

It has recently come to my attention that there are very few people who even know the name Eric "Badlands" Booker. Why is this an atrocity? The fact that you just asked me that question is an atrocity. Badlands is a competitive eater. He is a professional. I don't know what you do but I bet you're not a pro at it. I'm sorry I yelled at you, it's just that the IFOCE(the sanctioning body of competitve eating) runs the best sport in the world and you guys need to learn it, love it, or leave it(America that is).
Badlands is my favorite eater for two reasons: A) He is American and fat. Not Japanese and skinny. I like my eaters like I like my bowlers. American and fat. Eaters are fat. They aren't skinny. If you're from Japan, you're not American. If you're Japanese and skinny, I wouldn't call you my favorite. I would call you my favorite if you were fat and American. Fat. Not skinny. American, not Japanese. B) He is black. If you know me you know that I will take any opportunity to choose a black guy over a white guy so as not to seem racist.


He even keeps his cool in the middle of a douche parade! What a guy. That is why I nominate Eric "Badlands" Booker for Nick's Pick for the month of our lord, October.

Nick Turner (kind of) gets a job!

Hello World, It's Nick Turner. I got me a job, yo! Apparently, The Government caught word of my ninja-like, ass kicking abilities, and now I'm doing it professionally. They came in the middle of the night - in the form of my friend Katherine - and asked me to come work for them. Although, instead of killing foreign dignitaries right away, they asked me to start by stuffing envelopes in preparation for a mailing about a new restaurant opening up. I also got to put on stamps! From there though, the job really got crazy. When there were no more mailings for fancy restaurant openings, I got to do some data entry. I also got to make folders! And file them! I hope other, eviler countries are reading this because then they know to watch out for America. With me on the job things are gonna start rolling in the ass-kicking department. Watch out, Africa! But the best part about my new job is that it's only part time. So now I have plenty of time to pursue my other interests. Like kicking ass right here in the good ole US of A. I'm sure there are a few of you reading this entry that could use a good ass kicking. I'm talking to you Dustin D'Addatto. You know what else a part time job means...I can't pay my rent! Needless to say, things are going pretty well in the Nick Camp. So shoot me a response and let me know about any exciting opportunities in the world of vacation rentals.
My name is Nick Turner and I wrote these jokes.

Nick Turner puts up a picture!

Today, I, Nick Turner, succesfully installed a photo of myself on this website. I did it all by myself. I realize this sounds like I'm fishing for a complement, and I am. Nicky don't know alot about computers. I totally had to like take the picture on my phone then email it to my blog then like convert it to numbers and symbols and crap and then like hack it all in to the system and all that and what not. What I'm saying is I might as well have just cured cancer I am so proud of myself. Perhaps too proud. Apparently no one else is even remotely impressed because, apparently I should have learned how to do this in 1997. Apparently. But I was way too cool back then. I spent that whole year snorting cocaine off of a hooker's tits while riding my motorcycle all the way to Mexico. Why did it take me a whole year to ride to Mexico? That's between me and that priest. I guess what I'm sayin' is that I got a little nerdier today, and that's okay.

Nick Turner's weekend during which exciting things will happen happens this weekend

I will be performing stand-up at two kick-ass shows this weekend. Here are the details.

FRIDAY 14th
Hot Tub
Featuring Slovin & Allen!
hosted by Kristen Schaal & Kurt Braunholer
@The P.I.T.
154 W29th St. (btwn 6th &7th Aves)
$8 at the door


AND!

SATURDAY 15th
The Shark Show
Hosted by Nick, Gabe, Dan, and Ari
@Mo Pitken's House of Satisfaction
39 Ave A (btwn 2nd & 3rd Sts.)
$8 at the door

Nick Turner gets a site

Today, Nick Turner became the proud owner of a blogger website. Things are gonna start happening for him now. Right after he gets this pesky eviction over with.