Nick Turner misses everybody in the world

Hey, everybody in the world. I miss you. I miss your hair. And umm.... I miss your eyes. I also...I also miss the fact that you are everybody in the whole world. I miss that. I miss you. Call me. But call me soon, don't gimme any of that I'll call you in six days Swingers style waiting to call. That movie was like eleven years ago. Get over it. Jon Favreau totally got fat again. I mean, I guess he's like a director now. So, he really has no real reason to keep off the weight. But seriously, everybody in the world...call me. I mean it. I really would like to hear from you. I do miss you. Oh no way, you're totally cuter than I'll ever be. But thanks for sayin' that. Anyway, I guess I'll be home in about ten minutes. Do you want me to pick up some chicken? I'm driving right past Popeye's on my way. It is too on my way. I've been taking this same route for the last four years, that's how I know! I didn't mean to raise my voice. Oh no you will not take my son away from me. Over my dead body! Corection. Over your dead body! I guess what I'm tryin' to say here is...call me. Wink.

Nick Turner misses his Mom's Birthday

This is how I feel about it. It was on the 27th. As you can see, on the 27th I was too busy making fun of retarded people. According to the Koran, it is my punishment to eventually become a retarded mother. Anyway, happy birthday Mom and I think next year will be the year I finally get it right.

Nick Turner's Halloween Costume Ideas!

Hello everybody in the world, it's that time again. The time of year that you begrudgingly follow the status quo and shell out your hard earned dollas on a costume that probably won't even be fun for one night. But you don't need to spend a lot of money to have a mediocre time on Halloween. You can have an okay time at a somewhat tedious Halloween party for no more than the cost of a breakfast sandwich. (disclaimer: depending on where you purchase your breakfast sandwich, cost may vary) So here now, a list of some of Nick Turner's previous costume ideas that you can feel free to steal and use as your own.

Some of Nick Turner's previous costumes:

-: 2001: Michael Jordan. Purchases: A black bald cap(about $4)
This look was achieved by wearing black bald cap and stopping there. I wore my own clothes, carried no basketball, but stuck my tounge out occasionally. How did people know who I was? I told them. Simple as that. Any incomplete costume is made complete by simply filling in the blanks verbally.

-: 2002: Man with a Job. Purchases: None
If you know anything aboout me, you know I am one tough cookie to employ. Jobs have never really been my cup of tea. Therefore I simply slapped on a suit and at strategic moments whipped out my cell phone and began yelling words like, "Buy" and "Sell," just like someone with a job would do. Any incomplete costume is made complete by simply filling in the blanks verbally.

-: 2004: Retarded Talk Show Host. Purchases: None (See Above Photo)
Sometimes there is just no time to think about a costume idea so you end up rummaging through Ryan Sturt's closet 20 minutes before you leave for the party but an hour and a half after you started drinking. What I found were two items: A wrestling helmet and a broken microphone. When you put these two together you invariably get Retarded Talk Show Host. This requires conducting interviews all night long but with a twist. When asking questions, hold microphone to interviewees face. When listening to answers hold microphone to your own face. Trust me, it is an entire night's worth of hilarity. Any incomplete costume is made complete by simply filling in the blanks verbally.

Nick Turner is Addicted to Approval

Hey everybody in the world, I was recently made aware of a new and lethal addiction plaguing our shores. That new plague is approval addiction. It's all there in black and white in the new book, "Approval Addiction: Overcoming your need to please everyone" by Joyce Meyer. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Oh my God! I wonder if Nick Turner is an approval addict?!"
I just quit smoking so I'm wide open for a new addiction to get a hold of me. I need to be precautious and learn more about this deadly disease. Well, luckily, the Advertisement for the book on the subway had the symptoms for all to see. A single question:

Do you worry about what other people think of you?

Oh my God! I do worry! Why, just this morning I took a shower....brushed my teeth...and combed my hair...just so other people wouldn't find me repulsive! I almost ran off to buy the book until I realized that the book was published by Warner Faith and those people are just crazy. Because God's not real. And those people probably think he is real. And that's crazy. 'Cause he ain't real.

Buy "Approval Addiction" at Wal-Mart.com

Nick's Picks October

It has recently come to my attention that there are very few people who even know the name Eric "Badlands" Booker. Why is this an atrocity? The fact that you just asked me that question is an atrocity. Badlands is a competitive eater. He is a professional. I don't know what you do but I bet you're not a pro at it. I'm sorry I yelled at you, it's just that the IFOCE(the sanctioning body of competitve eating) runs the best sport in the world and you guys need to learn it, love it, or leave it(America that is).
Badlands is my favorite eater for two reasons: A) He is American and fat. Not Japanese and skinny. I like my eaters like I like my bowlers. American and fat. Eaters are fat. They aren't skinny. If you're from Japan, you're not American. If you're Japanese and skinny, I wouldn't call you my favorite. I would call you my favorite if you were fat and American. Fat. Not skinny. American, not Japanese. B) He is black. If you know me you know that I will take any opportunity to choose a black guy over a white guy so as not to seem racist.


He even keeps his cool in the middle of a douche parade! What a guy. That is why I nominate Eric "Badlands" Booker for Nick's Pick for the month of our lord, October.

Nick Turner (kind of) gets a job!

Hello World, It's Nick Turner. I got me a job, yo! Apparently, The Government caught word of my ninja-like, ass kicking abilities, and now I'm doing it professionally. They came in the middle of the night - in the form of my friend Katherine - and asked me to come work for them. Although, instead of killing foreign dignitaries right away, they asked me to start by stuffing envelopes in preparation for a mailing about a new restaurant opening up. I also got to put on stamps! From there though, the job really got crazy. When there were no more mailings for fancy restaurant openings, I got to do some data entry. I also got to make folders! And file them! I hope other, eviler countries are reading this because then they know to watch out for America. With me on the job things are gonna start rolling in the ass-kicking department. Watch out, Africa! But the best part about my new job is that it's only part time. So now I have plenty of time to pursue my other interests. Like kicking ass right here in the good ole US of A. I'm sure there are a few of you reading this entry that could use a good ass kicking. I'm talking to you Dustin D'Addatto. You know what else a part time job means...I can't pay my rent! Needless to say, things are going pretty well in the Nick Camp. So shoot me a response and let me know about any exciting opportunities in the world of vacation rentals.
My name is Nick Turner and I wrote these jokes.

Nick Turner puts up a picture!

Today, I, Nick Turner, succesfully installed a photo of myself on this website. I did it all by myself. I realize this sounds like I'm fishing for a complement, and I am. Nicky don't know alot about computers. I totally had to like take the picture on my phone then email it to my blog then like convert it to numbers and symbols and crap and then like hack it all in to the system and all that and what not. What I'm saying is I might as well have just cured cancer I am so proud of myself. Perhaps too proud. Apparently no one else is even remotely impressed because, apparently I should have learned how to do this in 1997. Apparently. But I was way too cool back then. I spent that whole year snorting cocaine off of a hooker's tits while riding my motorcycle all the way to Mexico. Why did it take me a whole year to ride to Mexico? That's between me and that priest. I guess what I'm sayin' is that I got a little nerdier today, and that's okay.

Nick Turner's weekend during which exciting things will happen happens this weekend

I will be performing stand-up at two kick-ass shows this weekend. Here are the details.

FRIDAY 14th
Hot Tub
Featuring Slovin & Allen!
hosted by Kristen Schaal & Kurt Braunholer
@The P.I.T.
154 W29th St. (btwn 6th &7th Aves)
$8 at the door


AND!

SATURDAY 15th
The Shark Show
Hosted by Nick, Gabe, Dan, and Ari
@Mo Pitken's House of Satisfaction
39 Ave A (btwn 2nd & 3rd Sts.)
$8 at the door

Nick Turner gets a site

Today, Nick Turner became the proud owner of a blogger website. Things are gonna start happening for him now. Right after he gets this pesky eviction over with.