February 23, 2006

NICK TURNER FIGHT! - the tech geek

So, this next Nick Turner is a Tech Geek. Seeing as though being nice backfired, I decdided to go in a different direction. I thought for this Nick Turner Fight, I would go a little meaner, to elicit some actual anger from him. Turns out it was to no avail. I was ignored. Although, according to my stat counter I am very popular in his neighborhood in Canada.

The Email:

Hey Nick Turner, I'm you. Well, ok, i'm not actually you. But i do
have the same name as you. i guess what I'm trying to say is, "Hi."
As you can tell, I am a comedian and I live in New York City, New
York. That's in America, I'm not sure if you knew that because I read
that you're from Canada and I have no idea of your school curriculum.
But I bet you do know where New York is, because this city is where
the magic happens.
Anyway, like I said I am a comedian so, obviously as a performer, I
have a website. Unfortunately I had to choose www.gonickturner.com as
my url because nickturner.com was already taken. Guess who has that
url...that's right, you do. Since i am also a Nick Turner, I know how
compassionate we can be.
Listen, let me just break it down for you, I have done shows with such
famous comedians as Lewis Black , Todd Barry, and Jim Gaffigan. I
know what you are thinking, you are thinking, "Wow, these are some
heavy hitters in the world of stand-up comedy. You must really be
making your deams come true."
Well, that's right, my dreams are coming true. All of my dreams but
one. I want that url. I am in a position that requires complete
professionalism, and I belive a part of that is owning
Let's be honest. You are a self proclaimed "Canadian
computer-marketing-training guy, techno-hobbiest and jock with way too
many distractions." If one of those distractions is feeling guilty
about taking the url that should probably go to someone with an
interesting life, well, let me please alleviate this distraction. I
can't wait to hear from you. Nick Turner(the one with a career that
people find interesting)

Can you believe he didn't want to write me back? What a jackass. Well that just proves what you already thought about Canadians. Or something.

February 14, 2006

NICK TURNER FIGHT! - the photographer

If you have not yet read about the new direction of my blog, please scroll down and read yesterday's entry.

My first NICK TURNER FIGHT! was directed at a London based photographer by the name of Nick Turner. His site is currently under construction, so I have no samples of his work, but I'm sure he's often. That's why I decided he must take my headshots for free.

Picking fights with random people is a delicate art, I am discovering. Some don't write back and others, like the photographer, go in the completely opposite direction of where you want them to. Perhaps my initial letter started out too jovial. I intended to act like a complete jackass. However, I got back an email I simply can't fight with.

--- Nick Turner wrote:

Hey Nick Turner, I'm also Nick Turner. Isn't that hilarious? Speaking of hilarious, I'm a stand-up comedian in New York City. I'm getting pretty big and it's time to take things to the next level. What's the next level, you ask? NICK TURNER PHOTOGRAPHY! That's what.

I want you to take my headshots. I'm not the best looking person in the world, but I am the second. That's just a joke, you know us Nick Turners and our humongous egos. I'm sure being a photographer has given you quite the ego. But we deserve 'em right?

Anyway, I'm sure this will be a great partnership and this is going to be a lot of fun. The only problem is that you live in London, and I live in New York. Fabulous cities for fabulous people, you know. Another problem is that I don't have a lot of money. Larry the Cable Guy has all the money in this business and there isn't a whole lot left over for me. I'm not telling you to make a special trip to New York just to take my headshots, but if your coming my way, I'd like for you to schedule an extra day or two to maybe take my headshots. We could do it in Central Park or maybe even the Empire State Building. Oh, how grand!

So please, please write me back as soon as you can. I can't wait to get started

Gimmee them shots, Nick Turner

That was my letter. I definitely did not anger him. At all. It might has well been a Valentine's Day card. Here is the photographer's response:

Its an honour to be asked by a fellow Nick Turner to
take his picture...I'd love to comrade but i am in the
wrong country! thats a stumbling block I think...

But if i ever come your way I'll do it for sure...like
you say us Nick Turners should stick together....I
reckon there are enough NT's on the planet to populate
a small village or maybe even form our own free state!


How can I continue a fight with this guy. I'm pretty sure he just said yes to my request...and he called me his BROTHER! I'll have to start out a little meaner next time. Until then, fight on.

February 13, 2006


This blog is about to get a whole lot spicier, people. Due to the enormous number of bloggers in this community, there is an increasing need to focus the direction of one's blog. While this has, up until now, been just a bunch of random musings from yours truly, it is time to get down to business.

Therefore, from here on out, this blog will become increasingly dedicated to NICK TURNER FIGHTS! What are NICK TURNER FIGHTS, you ask? Well why don't I answer that question right now.

The name really says it all. I, Nick Turner will be getting into email fights with other people named Nick Turner. When you google the name Nick Turner, more than 12 million websites come up. That means that there are way more Nick Turners out there than I will probably ever get to fight with.

I have already started a fight with Nick Turner who owns www.nickturner.com. I clearly am much more deservilng of this URL as I am a famous comedian. I will not rest until it is mine. I also started a fight with the Nick Turner at Nick Turner Photography explaining to him why he needs to take my headshots for free. This is going to be a slower fight.

Look forward to more fights with:

Nick Turner the Running Back
Nick Turner the Equestrian
Nick Turner the Fractal Designer
Nick Turner the Knife Maker
Nick Turner the Chemistry Professor
Nick Turner the Aging Singer/Songwriter
and so much more!

So I'll see you soon with my first of many NICK TURNER FIGHTS!

February 10, 2006

Nick Turner loses a glove - and he'll never be the same

Today is a dark day, my friends. I lost a glove. It was the right one. I have no idea what has become of my little glovey. He's all alone in the world. He's probably lying in the street while car after car runs over him. There will be no family picking him up and giving him a nice home. His best days are surely behind him.

If I had lost both gloves there wouldn't be nearly as much of a problem. Those gloves are gone forever and I never have to think about them ever again. Sayanara, suckers! I'm gonna go buy some new gloves and never think about you ever again!

But, alas, I only lost one glove, which means the other glove is sitting here, in the corner, mocking me. But I can't get rid of it, because what if I found the other one. I'd have to go through this agony all over again and I just can't do that.

It's like if you're a horrible parent and your child runs away, you can't move, because what if he comes back and you're not there. Even if it's forty years later and that kid has most likely died of a heroin overdose. Because, be honest, we've all seen the stats, people. If isn't the aids that kills the runaways, it's the heroin.

February 03, 2006

Things I know

1. When I am wearing headphones I am so much cooler than you. Also, I should have spent the extra money on a real Ipod and not this Ipod shuffle. Shuffle this, Apple!

2. Dried Fuit tastes worse than fruit that hasn't been dried. There is no need for this extra step, just give me the fruit.

3. Phone fights are the best because people can't punch you through the phone. Also, when you hang up on the other person you automatically win.

4. No, you can't sit there, my bag is sitting there.

5. Exclamation points are intrusive. I don't like to be yelled at by inanimate objects. Why are you yelling at me, piece of paper?!