NICK TURNER FIGHTS!

NICK TURNER FIGHT! - Comedy Blaze

2008-03-11T08:29:00.004-04:00

*reprinted from DC Comedy 4 Now*

Today I had an interesting email exchange with an "executive" at the mega-huge comedy video site, Comedy Blaze. Enjoy.

From Comedy Blaze:
We are currently building an advisory board for ComedyBlaze looking to recruit a few celebrity comics, actors and entertainment executives. We will compensate them by issuing them with shares (ownership) in ComedyBlaze Inc. Please let me know if you might be interested.
We are also currently closing an investment round for CB with a financial investor. We would like ComedyBlaze to be partly owned and backed by members and industry players. So we are opening up the round to include investment from you or other entertainment folks you may know. I’m happy to pay you a finder’s fee in cash if you introduce us to someone who invests in CB…feel free to forward this message or just call me.
If you don’t have any cash to invest just upload your videos and we’ll pay you.
-Comedy Blaze Guy

Great, let me know when my shares are ready.
-Nick

Nick,
If you are interested please let me know and we can schedule a phone call.
If you have any videos, please upload them.

I was kidding. Since you called me a "celebrity, it sounded monumentally disingenuous.
-Nick

OK, do you have anything you can upload?

I'm afraid that your last email didn't exactly address all of my concerns. I was mostly talking about the lack of sincerity in your first offer. It seemed like you just rolled over it and pitched another effort to gain my sweet uploads. Obviously I think you're great and look forward to a long relationship. I just need confirmation that what I received wasn't entirely a form letter, but an honest commendation of my storied stand-up career. Thank you so much Andrew for the validation that we all crave. It means a great deal to me.
Your friend, Nicky T

There is one thing I am struggling to understand. If you or any artist has uploaded a video to youtube, MySpace or Facebook, why would you not upload it to ComedyBlaze?

I made the site because I thought it was a no brainer. Almost no one bothered to upload anything. So one might say the 50 50 split was of no interest to the artists.

I then offred the CB grand with a cash prize of $1k for the most viewed videos. That seemed to have almost no effect. Now I have increased the CB grand to pay $5k and am hoping that gets someone to not only upload to CB, but also email their contacts attempting to win the prize and get the fair 50 50 deal we give everyone.

I then offered to make the artists owners by allowing them to coinvest in my first financing round. You and others seem to prefer to keep your videos on MySpace where 100% of the revenue will go to newscorp now owned by old man Murdoch and youtube owned by google, the biggest giant of all internet titans.

What at all is cool about those guys so you want them to keep 100% of the money from value you create. I thought artists were either intelligent or had agents to look after their commercial affairs. I am now wondering if I am the retarded one here.

Why would you not upload your sweet vids if they are already on the public web making old billionairs richer?

Well, I'm no marketing guru Andrew, but you problem seems to be the fact that when you upload to Youtube, people may actually SEE the videos. From the desperation in your voice it sounds like there isn't much chance of that happening with Comedy Blaze. From this logic, why wouldn't I just put the videos up on my own site and reap all the financial rewards, of which there will be none, just like Comedy Blaze.
I am impressed with your insistence that I, (celebrity) Nick Turner, come around to your way of thinking. So impressed, in fact, that I will let you answer the question that I have asked you no less than three times already. Why did you refer to me as a celebrity in your initial email? What about me do you know that led you to the conclusion that I was needed in your project? I get that you just told everyone the same thing. I'm sure you have even sent that email out to non-performers. That, my friend, probably has something to do with the mass resistance to your own Newscorp-like empire. But hey, I love your work, and I've been a big fan of yours for a long time. I think what you have done for the world of comedy is certainly commendable.
-Nick

Fair enough.
If you are getting fewer than 200k views it is hard to monetize that. I will aggregate traffic and get to 30M and be one of the biggest entertainment destinations on the web. I am buying a company in LA that manages myspace pages for a large client roster of real celebs. Ironically they will pay me cash to make their CB pages and email directly to their fan lists. That will get me past the current catch 22.

Yeah, I really went slutty on my mass mailer you got, my celebrity friend!

Great, let me know when the Bob Saget videos are up.
-Nick

What's up with singer/songwriter Nick Turner ridin' my ass?

2007-02-16T14:46:00.000-05:00

So there he is out in front. Nick Turner: Singer/Songwriter." What a sensitive soul. Clearly he has made it. What part of recording in a barn DOESN'T say, "Watch out world, here I come?" Not only is he quite obviously recording in a barn but it looks like his producer is mixing with one hand and holding a baby goat(?) in is other hand. So what that says to me is that not only is that guy a producing genious, but he probably also owns a barn, making him wholly qualified to produce an album of classics from the one of many, Nick Turner: Singer/Songwriter.

Now, obviously this recording session produced musical gold and the only thing left to do is promote, promote, promote. And promote he has. Unfortunately his promotional tactics seem to include not much more than posting a series of ads on my myspace page. Here are some of the comments he has posted on my page:

#1

Aug 21, 2006 1:04 PM

Hi Nick Turner,

This is Nick Turner from the UK

Check out my song Space Dude

Cheers,

Nick Turner

Mansfield UK
--------------------------------------------

That's cool. Right on, I'll check that shit out. Sounds great. Not sure why that message needed so many spaces, though. Also not sure if the song is called "Space Dude" or if you are referring to me as "Space Dude" but either is cool with me. You are a cool dude, Mr. Nick Turner.

The World's Most Famous Nick Turner

--------------------------------------------
#2

Aug 24, 2006 1:20 PM

Hi Nick,

From Nick Turner

in the UK.
--------------------------------------------

Um...Hello. Kinda seems like we already did this but, whatever buddy! Good to talk to you.

The World's Most Famous Nick Turner

--------------------------------------------
#3

Sep 20, 2006 10:29 AM

Hi Nick Turner

form(sic) Nick Turner

in the UK!
--------------------------------------------

Ok, we definitely already did this, but hello. Also, last time you spelled "from" correctly. This time - not so much. Whatever! I ain't no stickler for grammar. Just to be sure so we don't have to keep doing this: I'm Nick Turner. You are Nick Turner. You live in the UK. Established. Let's put this thing to bed. Also, I already know about your song Space Dude, so that doesn't need to be brought up again either. Cool.

The World's Most Famous Nick Turner

--------------------------------------------
#4

Sep 20, 2006 10:29 AM

Hi Nick Turner from Nick Turner

Mansfield

Nottinghamshire UK

I have a song about the Ibiza night clubs in spain called Space Dude

It is quike a novelty, check it out.

cheers
Nick Turner
---------------------------------------------

What did I just say!? Good Lord, you don't listen. I already know about your goddamn song! What is wrong with you. You want me to like you? Fine! I like you! I'll go out with you! I will give you a footrub while we listen to "Space Dude" in the background! Man you are needy! And what is up with all of those spaces? Come on, this comment was unneccessarily long. What are you doing to me? Are you alright ? Geez! Also, is "quike" some English word or something?

The World's most famous Nick Turner

----------------------------------------------

So that's the story of Nick Turner UK. You really should check out his music though because he has great songs with titles like, "I Like Mansfield." What a genious. He's from Mansfield, he is fond of where he comes from, and the man does not mince words. What better way to get your point across? Good luck, Space Dude!

NICK TURNER FIGHT! - the skateboarder

2006-09-23T17:29:00.000-04:00

This Nick Turner Fight! consists of some videos I found while looking up "Nick Turner" on YouTube. There are many worthless videos on this site, and if you've been reading my blog, you'll know that people named Nick Turner are probably producing some of the most worthless videos. My first example is a Nick Turner who skateboards. I hesitate to call him a "skateboarder," because that implies that he is half way decent. He is not. Here are a few of his videos which are like 3 seconds long, so you won't have to be bored for long. Enjoy

HOLY SHIT! That guy totally fell off the curb while on a skateboard! That was da BOMB! YO dude, you have GOT to rewind that and play that shit again!

Move over TONY HAWK! This guy's falling off curbs ALL OVER THE PLACE! This is getting nuts! And this time he put an orange cone in the shot so it gets even more CRAZY nuts! WAAAAH! Extreme!

Holy Christ! THIS IS BAT-SHIT INSANE!!! That's the BIGGEST RAMP I've ever SEEN!! How did he go up that ramp and come back ALIVE! NIck Turner's are the craziest motherfuckers on the PLANET!!!!!

NICK TURNER FIGHT! - comedy hypnotist

2006-08-20T15:49:00.000-04:00

I know it's been a while since I rapped at ya, but I just wasn't feelin' inspired. This latest NICK TURNER FIGHT! isn't with a Nick Turner, But one Joshua Seth - Comedy Hypnotist. That's right, comedy hypnosis: the purest form of comedy. This FIGHT! took place over MySpace email. There are a few ways to promote whatever show you may be doing on MySpace, but one that you generally don't use, is in the messages function because it's personal and invasive. But this Comedy Hypnotist douchebag has no respect for my personal space so I asked him nicely to stop. But once a douche, always a douche. Enjoy

JOSHUA SETH EMAIL #1

Final Notice: Comedy Hypnosis Show this Sunday Aug 13th

This is your last chance to get 2-for-1 tickets to
"The Joshua Seth Comedy Hypnosis Show"
at The Center Stage Theater in Santa Barbara.

It's this Sunday, August 13th at 7:30pm

Details are here: www.centerstagetheater.org

You can still get 2-for-1 tickets by calling the theater's box office at (805) 963-0408 and asking for the MySpace discount.

See you at the show!

Joshua Seth
www.joshuaseth.com

PS - If you're not near Santa Barbara then sorry for the intrusion. This email is going out to everyone on my friend list.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

NICK TURNER EMAIL #1

RE: Final Notice: Comedy Hypnosis Show this Sunday Aug 13th
Body: please don't tell me about your show in my messages

------------------------------------------------------------------------

JOSHUA SETH EMAIL #2

RE: RE: Final Notice: Comedy Hypnosis Show this Sunday Aug 13th
Like I said in the mail you're referring to:

"PS - If you're not near Santa Barbara then sorry for the intrusion. This email is going out to everyone on my friend list."

My Space has no way to target friends in a radius around a specific zip code... yet. When you start to promote your own comedy shows you'll see that you either have to promote to your entire list or to none of them.

All my best,
Joshua

------------------------------------------------------------------------

NICK TURNER EMAIL #2

Ever since I "started" promoting the shows that I am "currently" "doing," I've found no problem in promoting my shows using bulletins and event invitations. Messages are a little more personal and I don't enjoy getting spam like your invitation. Thanks for apologizing by merely copying the P.S. in your letter. Classy. Apologizing doesn't make it okay, dude, promising not to do it again is definitely the way to go.

All MY best,
Nicholas

PS - Something to put in quotations in my next letter to you.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

JOSHUA SETH EMAIL #3

No worries. You've been blocked so you won't get any more emails from me.

Don't let the small stuff get you down,

Joshua

------------------------------------------------------------------------

NICK TURNER EMAIL #3

Like I said in the email you're referring to: "Something to put in quotations in my next email to you."

Thank you for your helpful advice to "not let the small stuff get (me) down." I have a couple of helpful tips for you as well. "When bad things happen to good people" I'd recommend some "chicken soup for the soul." Also, "who moved my cheese" has also got me wondering "what color is your parachute?" I wanna take a dump on your face you self-righteous prick. Have fun sexually assaulting the victims of your hypnosis, ass!

Nick

NICK TURNER FIGHT! - the german painter

2006-05-17T14:38:00.000-04:00

OK. This isn't technically a fight, but good lord. This douche is douching up the name Nick Turner all the way to Germany. I found This embarassing work of "art". Now I don't usually use the term "gay" with a negative connotation, but I mean, seriously. Come on Nick Turners! We need to devote our time to more fruitful pursuits. Screw you German Painter!

Also I feel it is worthwhile news to mention that I have dominated the world. That's right. This blog is number one baby!!! Google Nick Turner and you'll see that I am now the World's #1 Nick Turner!

I'm back from tour (but still not back)

2006-04-20T16:48:00.000-04:00

I realize it's been a while since I posted an actual Nick Turner Fight! But I've been on tour with the play "I'm Gonna Kill the President and that was way more work then I thought it was going to be.

Some Highlights from the tour:

We-

-Incited a riot in Kalamazoo, Michigan

-Sent a man we believed to be an undercover law enforcement officer home on a Greyhound Bus

-Played for 200 people in an 80 seat space

-Played for 11 people in Madison, Wisconsin

-Hated each other

-Loved each other (just kidding)

-traveled 7000 miles

-absolutely destroyed a brand new rental van

-popped a tire in Lovelock, Nevada (the creepiest town in america; named for the town prison; has white, teenage, girl gang members complete with doo rags)

-performed in a co-op house inhabited by thirty people with names like Zylon, Spike, and Echo

-did not sleep in co-op house due to thinking cat piss-stained couches and mattresses are fucking gross

-did not drink nearly enough

-canceled one show when no one showed up. I don't mean no one, like five people; I mean no one like no one. Thanks, Mendicino!

-were annoyed often

Here's to touring with people you don't already know!!
If anyone you know lives in LA and doesn't hate themselves, tell them to come see this show. It opens here on April 28th and closes June 3rd. Also, I'm hilarious. Bye.

I'm the #1 Nick Turner In America!

2006-04-17T14:18:00.000-04:00

Well, if you've been following this blog from the beginning, you know that I'm obsessed with my google rankings. I haven't reported on it in a while, because I was waiting for something big to happen. It happened. I am now the #1 Nick turner in America. And I'm only two Nick Turners away from being the #1 Nick Turner in the world. Fuck You Singer-Songwriter Nick Turner. You're Next.
Earlier I started a Nick Turner fight with the *cough* "#1 Nick Turner in the World." You can read that email here. He never wrote me back. He was a pussy. Sitting in his ivory tower, thinking no one could ever threaten his crown. This is the ultimate Nick Turner Fight. The fight for world domination. Some Tech Geek cannot hold my crown for long. Go USA!

How the hell am I supposed to NICK TURNER FIGHT! this guy?

2006-03-07T19:13:00.000-05:00

Ok... this one is stumping me. I've found possibly the greatest Nick Turner that has ever lived. Greater than even me. That's right ladies and gentleman I've found a Black Country Singer named Nick Turner. I'm beside myself. If you have any suggestions, please let me know.

NICK TURNER FIGHT! - the painter

2006-03-01T22:11:00.000-05:00

The next NICK TURNER FIGHT! is a work in progress. I have a feeling this Nick Turner is going to write me back an unprecedented SECOND time. Be sure to check out Nick Turner's gallery and enjoy (hopefully) the beginning of this fight.

Hey, Nick, My name is Nick Turner and I am also an artist. I don't draw, however. I deal with the people directly as a stand up comedian. Anyway, I came across your artwork and wondered what the prices might be, because I am interested in purchasing some. So email me back and let me know. peacenick

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi Nick,

Sorry for the lateness of my reply. The work ranges in price from £150 to £300 ($261 to $522 approx).

Nice to hear from another Nick Turner anyway, I wonder how rare we are in the World!? A comedian over here called Dave Gorman did a whole TV series on tracking down all the other Dave Gormans in the World. Maybe a series about the various Nick Turners?

Nick

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks for the quick reply. Hello, other Nick Turner! I too, am an
artist. And one of my arts is collecting works of art from other Nick
Turners and displaying them together as part of a larger Nick Turner
collection of sorts. I'm not an artist in the traditional sense
(meaning that I do not actually produce art.) My stand up comedy is
an art I guess, but not one that people respect!

If all of this seems confusing, it is because you are not paying
enough attention! That is a joke. What I am not joking about is my
desire to purchase your art. Not only is your name Nick Turner, but
you are also a very very very very talented artist. Money is not an
object for me so I think this partnership will be a lucrative one for
the both of us.

I am interested mostly in the painting titled "Big Brother's
Watching." It reminds me of that book, "1984." You know the one that
looks into the future but was actually written in 1948?

I also love the painting with the witches. (reminds me of my mother!
I'm just kidding again)

Also, I take offense at your implication that my art has somehow been
"done" by Dave Gorman. I am a true artist and my originality has
never been questioned before. I ask you please, do not question my
originality, and I will not tell anyone that you are ripping off that
book.

With that messiness out of the way, I would like to purchase the two paintings
I mentioned. Please write me back with the total price. You are a
great painter!
-Nick Turner (the original)

Please stay tuned to the exciting conclusion of...NICK TURNER FIGHTS! - the painter

NICK TURNER FIGHT! - the tech geek

2006-02-23T21:06:00.000-05:00

So, this next Nick Turner is a Tech Geek. Seeing as though being nice backfired, I decdided to go in a different direction. I thought for this Nick Turner Fight, I would go a little meaner, to elicit some actual anger from him. Turns out it was to no avail. I was ignored. Although, according to my stat counter I am very popular in his neighborhood in Canada.

The Email:

Hey Nick Turner, I'm you. Well, ok, i'm not actually you. But i do
have the same name as you. i guess what I'm trying to say is, "Hi."
As you can tell, I am a comedian and I live in New York City, New
York. That's in America, I'm not sure if you knew that because I read
that you're from Canada and I have no idea of your school curriculum.
But I bet you do know where New York is, because this city is where
the magic happens.
Anyway, like I said I am a comedian so, obviously as a performer, I
have a website. Unfortunately I had to choose www.gonickturner.com as
my url because nickturner.com was already taken. Guess who has that
url...that's right, you do. Since i am also a Nick Turner, I know how
compassionate we can be.
Listen, let me just break it down for you, I have done shows with such
famous comedians as Lewis Black , Todd Barry, and Jim Gaffigan. I
know what you are thinking, you are thinking, "Wow, these are some
heavy hitters in the world of stand-up comedy. You must really be
making your deams come true."
Well, that's right, my dreams are coming true. All of my dreams but
one. I want that url. I am in a position that requires complete
professionalism, and I belive a part of that is owning
www.nickturner.com.
Let's be honest. You are a self proclaimed "Canadian
computer-marketing-training guy, techno-hobbiest and jock with way too
many distractions." If one of those distractions is feeling guilty
about taking the url that should probably go to someone with an
interesting life, well, let me please alleviate this distraction. I
can't wait to hear from you. Nick Turner(the one with a career that
people find interesting)

Can you believe he didn't want to write me back? What a jackass. Well that just proves what you already thought about Canadians. Or something.

NICK TURNER FIGHT! - the photographer

2006-02-14T12:35:00.000-05:00

If you have not yet read about the new direction of my blog, please scroll down and read yesterday's entry.

My first NICK TURNER FIGHT! was directed at a London based photographer by the name of Nick Turner. His site is currently under construction, so I have no samples of his work, but I'm sure he's often. That's why I decided he must take my headshots for free.

Picking fights with random people is a delicate art, I am discovering. Some don't write back and others, like the photographer, go in the completely opposite direction of where you want them to. Perhaps my initial letter started out too jovial. I intended to act like a complete jackass. However, I got back an email I simply can't fight with.

--- Nick Turner wrote:

Hey Nick Turner, I'm also Nick Turner. Isn't that hilarious? Speaking of hilarious, I'm a stand-up comedian in New York City. I'm getting pretty big and it's time to take things to the next level. What's the next level, you ask? NICK TURNER PHOTOGRAPHY! That's what.

I want you to take my headshots. I'm not the best looking person in the world, but I am the second. That's just a joke, you know us Nick Turners and our humongous egos. I'm sure being a photographer has given you quite the ego. But we deserve 'em right?

Anyway, I'm sure this will be a great partnership and this is going to be a lot of fun. The only problem is that you live in London, and I live in New York. Fabulous cities for fabulous people, you know. Another problem is that I don't have a lot of money. Larry the Cable Guy has all the money in this business and there isn't a whole lot left over for me. I'm not telling you to make a special trip to New York just to take my headshots, but if your coming my way, I'd like for you to schedule an extra day or two to maybe take my headshots. We could do it in Central Park or maybe even the Empire State Building. Oh, how grand!

So please, please write me back as soon as you can. I can't wait to get started

Gimmee them shots, Nick Turner
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That was my letter. I definitely did not anger him. At all. It might has well been a Valentine's Day card. Here is the photographer's response:

Its an honour to be asked by a fellow Nick Turner to
take his picture...I'd love to comrade but i am in the
wrong country! thats a stumbling block I think...

But if i ever come your way I'll do it for sure...like
you say us Nick Turners should stick together....I
reckon there are enough NT's on the planet to populate
a small village or maybe even form our own free state!
whatyathink?

yours
a
brother
NT
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How can I continue a fight with this guy. I'm pretty sure he just said yes to my request...and he called me his BROTHER! I'll have to start out a little meaner next time. Until then, fight on.

NICK TURNER FIGHTS!

2006-02-13T14:13:00.000-05:00

This blog is about to get a whole lot spicier, people. Due to the enormous number of bloggers in this community, there is an increasing need to focus the direction of one's blog. While this has, up until now, been just a bunch of random musings from yours truly, it is time to get down to business.

Therefore, from here on out, this blog will become increasingly dedicated to NICK TURNER FIGHTS! What are NICK TURNER FIGHTS, you ask? Well why don't I answer that question right now.

The name really says it all. I, Nick Turner will be getting into email fights with other people named Nick Turner. When you google the name Nick Turner, more than 12 million websites come up. That means that there are way more Nick Turners out there than I will probably ever get to fight with.

I have already started a fight with Nick Turner who owns www.nickturner.com. I clearly am much more deservilng of this URL as I am a famous comedian. I will not rest until it is mine. I also started a fight with the Nick Turner at Nick Turner Photography explaining to him why he needs to take my headshots for free. This is going to be a slower fight.

Look forward to more fights with:

Nick Turner the Running Back
Nick Turner the Equestrian
Nick Turner the Fractal Designer
Nick Turner the Knife Maker
Nick Turner the Chemistry Professor
Nick Turner the Aging Singer/Songwriter
and so much more!

So I'll see you soon with my first of many NICK TURNER FIGHTS!

Nick Turner loses a glove - and he'll never be the same

2006-02-10T12:28:00.000-05:00

Today is a dark day, my friends. I lost a glove. It was the right one. I have no idea what has become of my little glovey. He's all alone in the world. He's probably lying in the street while car after car runs over him. There will be no family picking him up and giving him a nice home. His best days are surely behind him.

If I had lost both gloves there wouldn't be nearly as much of a problem. Those gloves are gone forever and I never have to think about them ever again. Sayanara, suckers! I'm gonna go buy some new gloves and never think about you ever again!

But, alas, I only lost one glove, which means the other glove is sitting here, in the corner, mocking me. But I can't get rid of it, because what if I found the other one. I'd have to go through this agony all over again and I just can't do that.

It's like if you're a horrible parent and your child runs away, you can't move, because what if he comes back and you're not there. Even if it's forty years later and that kid has most likely died of a heroin overdose. Because, be honest, we've all seen the stats, people. If isn't the aids that kills the runaways, it's the heroin.

Things I know

2006-02-03T10:52:00.000-05:00

1. When I am wearing headphones I am so much cooler than you. Also, I should have spent the extra money on a real Ipod and not this Ipod shuffle. Shuffle this, Apple!

2. Dried Fuit tastes worse than fruit that hasn't been dried. There is no need for this extra step, just give me the fruit.

3. Phone fights are the best because people can't punch you through the phone. Also, when you hang up on the other person you automatically win.

4. No, you can't sit there, my bag is sitting there.

5. Exclamation points are intrusive. I don't like to be yelled at by inanimate objects. Why are you yelling at me, piece of paper?!

Nick Turner related activity on the internet

2006-01-24T16:52:00.000-05:00

Hey guys, if you're not getting enough of your Nick Turner fix on this site, I may be able to help you out.

-Check out the lowest tech website ever for a human being HERE

-Read my interview on my friend Dan McInerney's website HERE

-Check out the new "Poker Night" blog HERE
and read a recap of our last show that Dustin wrote. (sorry no pictures yet)

-Be a friend of "Poker Night" HERE

And don't forget to send in those questions.

2006-01-22T10:35:00.000-05:00

Is this enough of a recap of Poker Night on Tuesday?

Nick Turner answers Ryan Sturt

2006-01-19T14:25:00.000-05:00

On January 3rd, Ryan Sturt wrote:

Dear Mr. T,

I have two questions.

1. Why does gasoline have that iridescent sheen when it spills over water?

2. Why does my hair stick up in the back?

Thanks!

On January 18th, Ryan Sturt wrote:

working out. blah blah blah. poker night blah blah.

answer my fucking questions. Ryan

Well, If you know anything about me, you know that I respond quickly to threats. Let me first say that, yes, an oil spill does produce a beauty that is simply unparalleled. How it happens?
well, the oil spills, then everything it spills on becomes instantly more beautiful.

Why it happens? God likes his greatest creation to keep up with modern standards of beauty. Oil is like makeup for oceans. It would take Proctor and Gamble years to put as much makeup on animals as an oil spill can do in just one day. Way to go God!

As for your second question, your hair sticks up in the back because it is trying to run away from your beard.

Just leave your questions in the comment box and I'll answer them when I feel like it. peacenick

Aren't you done working out yet?

2006-01-18T14:15:00.000-05:00

I see all these people going to the gym that are clearly already in shape. Aren't they done yet? Look, your abs are rip-riffic. You did it...now it's just getting ridiculous.
I tell you what, as soon as I'm in shape I'm going to wipe my hands clean and in the nerdiest voice I can muster announce, "Mission Health: Accomplished." Then I'm gonna walk off into the sunset with my head held high.(but really I'm gonna go around the corner and stop walking so pompously because you can only walk like a prick for so long)

I mean, how old does this guy have to get before he figures out that he's muscular. HEY DUDE! You might want to take that vacation now cause you're gonna die soon on account that you're so old and everything. Put the weights down and pick up your grandson. His name's Tyrone and he's 38. You've missed his entire life. Stop working out already!

Also, I'll have a recap of Poker Night last night as soon as I can cop some pictures from Topping. peacenick

Poker Night is Back!

2006-01-16T12:38:00.000-05:00

Poker Night has returned for another installment at Ace of Clubs!

Please join Dustin, Shayna and I at Ace of Clubs tomorrow for another hand of Poker Night. Tomorrow we are proud to welcome:

Kristen Schaal!
Dave Hill!
and God's Pottery!

Check out the details on that guy!

Tuesday, January 17th
@Ace of Clubs (9 Great Jones St. btwn Broadway and Lafayette)
8:00
$5

Wow, that guy sure did have a sweet pair of details!

Nick Turner answers Jonah Oppenheimer

2006-01-04T12:13:00.000-05:00

On January 1st, Jonah Oppenheimer wrote:

I would like to know what you think of Kellee Santiago. I hear she likes spicy blogs. And, please, your opinion of modern art.

Great question Jonah, why don't I answer that one right now. Kellee Santiago rules! She is one fantastic lady and someone who I would love to have with me in the foxhole(if you know what I mean. And if you do, please tell me, because I have no idea what I mean.)

And as for my opinion of modern art, why don't I answer that one right now. Modern art seems to be moving in a positive direction. With such newcomers as people who are new to the art scene, things have really been shaking up lately. Certain new styles have really caught my eye and I look forward to even more modern modern art in the future.

Thanks for your question and remember folks, just drop me a question in the comment box and I'll get back at ya. Nick

Nick Turner addresses Kellee's disapproval of one statement

2006-01-04T11:58:00.000-05:00

On January 3rd, Kellee Santiago wrote:

Excellent! Told by a true TV-lover. Although, I think the pretty-not-funny generalization is a ridiculous stereotype. Weeds IS awesome, how come they took it off On-Demand? It better mean that it's coming out on DVD soon...

You are right, I am never one to perpetuate such a shallow and unfounded stereotype. I don't think any women are funny, no matter how ugly they are. Thanks, Kel!

NicK Turner answers Kellee Santiago

2006-01-03T14:26:00.000-05:00

On December 31st, Kellee Santiago wrote:

For my birthday, I would like to see some photos and/or video of the next Poker Night! Let's spice this blog UP. I would also be interested to know what you think is the best show on television right now.

First of all, thanks for mentioning Poker Night, which as you all know, returns on January 17th. What, what! Soon this blog will be spicier than that foriegn exchange student from a South American country. Hachacha!

But Back to the question at hand. What is the best television show on right now. Now, this is an odd time to be coming out with my favorite show, because we are so far into the season, there are no HBO/Showtime series playing right now, and we are about to be inundated with the dreaded mid-season replacements-of which I obviously have not seen any yet.

Of course there are exceptions as some mid-season shows are old shows that haven't been performing that well(Scrubs), and others are held back so they can be played straight through the rest of the season without repeats(24).

Some shows that I really love just aren't that interesting to talk about right now like The Office(all you British version lovin' snobs are finally getting off your collective high horse and tuning in) and Weeds(I mean, it's been over forever and isn't coming back any time soon). With that said I will talk about my favorite show that is about to air it's long awaited season premiere. Drumroll please...

Scrubs!

Now for a long time Scrubs was seen as the lesser of the two sitcoms (at that time) shot without a laugh track by a single camera.(most shows are shot using a three camera set up while Scrubs is shot by a single camera that makes it possible to follow characters as they move through different sets-this extra information is for my mother who still won't have any idea what I'm talking about) The other and more critic approved being Arrested Development.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love Arrested Development as much as the next guy, but during the hoopla surrounding its cancellation I realized something. I wasn't as excited as should be to see new episodes. The problem isn't that the show is "too smart" but that I didn't care about what happened to the characters. They are too cartoony and so are the situations they find themselves in. Rarely does something believable happen on that show.

Scrubs on the other hand presents a wonderfully brilliant and wacky show that never loses its believability because most of it's insanity happens in the confines of fantasy sequences. Zach Braff is a comedic genious, the second Becky is funny AND hot - two things that basically never come together - and it has the most wonderful cast and writers that I just want hug and squeeze til I pop the life right out of them. (I am not a reviewer, you may have noticed)

So anyway, leave your questions in the comment box and maybe you too can get your question answered by the one and only Nick Turner.

Be a part of the Nick Turner experience

2005-12-30T16:13:00.000-05:00

Nick Turner is now taking suggestions. If you have a question for Nick Turner or simply a topic you think I should talk about. You know, for example, you wanna hear me talk about pants. You leave me a comment saying something like, "Hey what are your opinions on pants?" or just, "pants...huh?"
Then I'll write an entry that says something like, "Man I love pants...pants are good because...pants pants pants," and so on,
Do you see how fun this is gonna be? Let's do this America!

Poker Night Two!

2005-12-30T16:09:00.000-05:00

Poker Night is returning on the 17th of January! Look out for more details. Look out!

Nick Turner Moves to Astoria!...again

2005-12-21T11:17:00.000-05:00

Nick Turner will soon be living in a brand new apartment!(well, I don't know if it's brand new - the stains on the carpet tell a much different story)
For a change of pace, this new apartment is located in Astoria. Just like my current apartment. And my last apartment. And my first apartment in NYC was also in Astoria. I guess what I'm saying is that I was lying to you at the top of the paragraph when I said it was going to be a change of pace. If you want to read some blog that's not gonna lie to you, well...you're reading the wrong blog.
Anyway, the rest of this is the truth. One of the two dudes in the apartment actually went to high school with some friends of mine that had me in their wedding party last year. How f'n crazy is that? Give up? Well I'll tell you. VERY f'n crazy! Shout out to Jason and Lisa! MUL-NEE! What up, Fairfax, Virginia! Sorry about that to everyone who isn't them.
This concludes a long search for an apartment that had me at the end of my rope. This isn't that unusual, however, as my rope is shockingly short. But I get that from my Dad. Thanks for the short fuse, dad! Or rope, I mean.
Fuse-Rope, Oprah-Uma, Let's call the whole the off!
I'm back. This particular apartment search was the worst one yet. And as this will be my eighth apartment in NYC, I've had a lot of tough searches. This search saw an unprecedented number of people turn me down after meeting me. This included two lesbians, on gay guy, one musician, one chef, some other guy(I can't remember anything about him), one unemployed chick, and one self-proclaimed tomboy(read: third lesbian).
But I finally found one with two (seemingly) chill guys and I couldn't be more relieved. Ditmars Avenue, bitches. Ditmars Avenue.